I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
