she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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