i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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