Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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