you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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