When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
