my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
