I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
