I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
