I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
