Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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