All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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