the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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