Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
