Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
