eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
