I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
