how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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