my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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