life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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