Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think my moral compass just broke
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