I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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