I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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