Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
