I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
