You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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