Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize