I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
