if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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