so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
