i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
