I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
