Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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