I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
