so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
