Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
