please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Two words: nipple clamps
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