I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
