I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
