i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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