we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
