if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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