Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just blew my weed a kiss
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
