You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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