girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
