I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
