I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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