If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize