Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
