you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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